14 Feb BUILDING YOURSELF UP, ONE YES AT A TIME

When you say yes to others, make sure you are saying yes to yourself too

Have you ever wondered why is it that you almost automatically say yes to a request made to you regardless of your feelings about it? Or why do you often find it easier to put your own priorities on the back burner and finish other people’s tasks and requests first? Why is it much more easy to say yes to others but not to yourself?

The answer lies in a myriad mix of facts beginning from our upbringing as women (where we are expected to place the needs of others before our own), to a sense of duty, to guilt, to fear of judgement, to looking good in front of people, to simply being worried about disappointing people.

Our inability to say no leads to a major drain on our time and resources because we are inundated with more work than we can do. It even affects the quality of our work. If nothing else, we end up resenting those people who expected something from us, due to which we were unable to do what is important to us, whether it be our work or a much needed break. This gradually leeches out into our professional and personal life, making us snappy and irritable, and others, uncomfortable.

Yet there are people who do say no when required, and appear to be at peace with it. They face the same challenges and twinges of conscience that we do. They too have responsibilities of family and work. Yet they have no compunction in saying no if their priorities don’t align with the person requesting their time. Most of us respect and admire those people and wish we were more like them, able to say no when needed. Yet we feel uncomfortable doing the same.

So what is it that these people do that we don’t?

A very simple answer would be that they love and know themselves. These are the people who keep their own needs their number one priority. This does not mean that they are selfish or that they do not think about others. They do. But just not at the cost of their own mental and physical well-being.

And that, my friend, is the very first step of loving ourselves enough to keep us our number one priority. We need to LEARN TO SAY YES. Not to others, but to OURSELVES.

Photo Credit to Omar Lopez

So how do we go about saying yes to ourselves without feeling like we are ignoring our duties, our families or that we are disappointing people?

You can start by saying yes in these 3 ways:

1) Say yes to knowing yourself     

This includes knowing your boundaries. 

Know what makes you tick. Know how much free time you need and how much time you will need for your family, for your work, to maintain social relationships and family ties. Take some time out for yourself. Introspect. Follow a hobby. Figure out your boundaries with people. Once you are confident with the knowledge of your own time and resources, and the demand on them, you will automatically get into the habit of thinking about a request or demand before responding to it.

Set your boundaries on the basis of your knowledge about yourself. Know what is acceptable (or not) for you. This can be best explained by imagining that someone has asked you out for dinner. You are not sure at the moment whether you will be able to make it or not. You can tell them that you need to think about it. Or that you are unsure at the moment but will get back to them soon. That’s your boundary. If the person presses for an answer, you can tell them no politely and immediately because, ‘boundaries’. While this was just an example, you can define your own boundaries. Just make sure you stick to them.

2) Say yes to valuing your time

This also means knowing that it is not always necessary to say no to others to say yes to yourself

Your time is as important for yourself as other people’s time is for them. Do not expect others to value your time if you yourself don’t value it. Think about whether you have time to spare for someone else before giving away that time. Or you might end up resenting that person for ‘wasting’ your time. You also have to remember that we don’t always need to say no to others to say yes to ourselves. I like blowing the breeze with my friends over a cup of coffee. So I rarely turn down a coffee invitation from a friend unless really necessary. While at the same time I will think twice about finishing off an assignment for the same friend if I know they have time to do it themselves. What I am trying to say is that, when someone asks for your time or effort, try identify whether it is something that you have time for and will personally feel happy doing, or is it something that you feel you should do. And remember, everyone is different. What may be a pleasure for you to do might be an obligation for someone else and vice versa.

Photo Credit to Brooke Cagle

3) Say yes to not giving any explanations or apologizing

Yes, even to ‘nice’ people

Do not be afraid to politely yet firmly say no. You also don’t need to give any explanation of why you are saying no. After all there are only a limited number of hours a day. It might be uncomfortable to say no without apologizing or giving explanations, especially if you are used to saying ‘yes’ for everything. If you still feel the need to explain, just say that you have a prior commitment. If a person is genuinely nice, they will understand your dilemma (if not immediately, then eventually) and will not hold it against you.  For those who do not understand, well, they probably never will and you will be better off doing something more productive with your time instead of trying to convince them. Sometimes you just have to let stuff go. After all its you who has to live with the impact of your decisions.

While ‘saying yes’ in these ways might appear a little difficult to implement at once, you can always start by taking baby steps. With each yes to yourself your confidence will increase exponentially. In case of confusion, simply ask yourself “why should I say yes?” If the answer is “because I would make me happy,” then go for it! If your response is “I feel like I should,” then think about it my friend, do you really want to go down that road?

Recognize that you say yes for everyone at your own personal cost. See what you miss because you said yes without thinking. Because you are the most important person in your life and you will be able to keep others happy only if you keep yourself happy.

Be willing to change. Start by saying yes to at least one of these things today.

“Drashti Shah is a self-proclaimed micro-managing perfectionist, and a chaotic bookworm who still manages to work on time and work very well. She has a love for all things well written, designed and doodled, and a Post Graduate Degree in Business Entrepreneurship. An experienced writer and a finalist in the Peter Drucker Essay Challenge for Management, she fulfills her love for writing by freelancing as a blogger, content writer and editor. She specializes in writing and speaking for women empowerment, productivity and feminism. As an unapologetic feminist she believes in equal opportunity for all the sexes and is a member of AWID, a global organization working for women’s rights. As a major multi-tasker herself, she also believes that real productivity is discovering your work pattern so that you can maximize your time for both, work and play. She also creates web copies & blogs that convert, for B2B and B2C organizations by providing content, illustrations and graphics that gain customer attention and increase search engine visibility. When she is not being scared of the dark or with her nose in a book, she can be found glued to her laptop churning out content or watching dog videos.”

You can explore her work at www.thepurplescript.com and reach her at drashti@thepurplescript.com